as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

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Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea


learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument


Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.


[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]


Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.


Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem


pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.


My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”


“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”


Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk