as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
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At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Never be a pizza!
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?