If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
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Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.