@rad_milk

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

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@BoxJanes

Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@Bandersnaaatch

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

@3nymph

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

@CatherineLMK

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

@SatansTongue

Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem

@TuSoonShakur

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

@_xLNc

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

@xor

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

@Chhapiness

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk