as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

You Might Also Like


Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.


MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”


*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*


A horror movie with all black people lmao

“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”

“That ain’t my business”

“I feel ya”

*Rolls credits*


Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.


There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke


when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders