@rad_milk

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@Sal0630

*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*

@AnUglyNigga

A horror movie with all black people lmao

“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”

“That ain’t my business”

“I feel ya”

*Rolls credits*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

@kamtweeting

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

@rockymomax

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

@mrjohndarby

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders