@rad_milk

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

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@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@delusions_of

Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.

@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

@Tmoney68

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

@mommajessiec

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

@badbanana

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

@kharizzmaaa

Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14

@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.