Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”