As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
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Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.