As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…