Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it