Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

secret recipe

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

FRED: right

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.