As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Cool shirt 🙂
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Morning all.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Mornin
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.