Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

Meow

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends