Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class