Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.