As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
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[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.