As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
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Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.