Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.