As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
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my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Cheer up.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*