As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.