As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers