Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED