As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
There’s always that one guy
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
welcome back
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.