Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

ㅤ

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

War & Peace

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is