As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
favorite tropes as memes
another case of gang violins
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”