Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.