As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
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I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
#JohnTravolta
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”