As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis