As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.