Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

those birds must be on payroll

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.