As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
wow
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills