As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.