As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
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Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Fidel Castro was alive?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought