Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma