As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.