As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”