As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
You Might Also Like
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Risking my life for fun.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
