As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
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wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday