As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
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*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
What even happened today?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.