As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I hope it’s French Onion!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.