as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Bill is short for Billiam
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian