Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.