Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

who will stop them

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond