Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

I was just discussing this with my cat

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself