Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day