As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
sry
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”