As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.