As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.