As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You Might Also Like
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Lassie, get help!
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.