As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Rare photo of two submarines racing
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.