As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
me refusing to leave twitter
life finds a way
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.