As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
😭😭
