As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
me at the job i begged god for
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”