As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
handsome & gretel
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?