As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
File under excellent bookstore names.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP