Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

This is sending me to another galaxy

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?