As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Nooooooooo!!!
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Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.