As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
The booster protects against what, now?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.