Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

I

T
H
I
N
K

W
E

S
H
O
U
L
D

R
U
I
N

P
E
O
P
L
E
S

T
I
M
E
L
I
N
E

B
Y

T
W
E
E
T
I
N
G

L
I
K
E

T
H
I
S

A
L
L

D
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!