As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete