As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
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Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
yea so i messed up lol
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work