Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke