Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

ㅤ

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry