As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair