As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
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A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
accurate
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments