As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
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*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
cat vs inanimate object
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop