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Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket