As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
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The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope