As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
You Might Also Like
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
