As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me too 😆
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.