Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win