As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
How do dragons blow out candles?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
meanwhile over on facebook
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
#StillHurts
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”