As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
you’re not fooling anyone
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
It’s the weekend y’all
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me