As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you